July 1993

It was a warm summers day as most days are in California. The conifer tree in front raining it’s needles and cones. The rose bush displaying new blossoms filled with red, white and pink petals producing perfumes of heaven.

The walnut tree lives in back, a gigantic one at that, starting to shows signs of maturity a few more months and they will be ready. The peach trees that are in back as well showing signs of seasons end.

People coming and going some with smiles while others more serious.

A lady took Mom to the back of the house to talk, while my brother Steve and I stepped out in front near the Conifer tree. The air was still as we talked to each other. It was peaceful on this warm day in July.

Out of nowhere, a strong wind came up. I did not feel it on my entire body, only as though it were passing through my head and shoulder region and then it was gone just as fast as it came in. The leaves on the Conifer tree stopped swaying as well. That was weird.

My brother Steve and I looked at each other not saying a word.

We knew what happened. We rush back in our house, and Mom in tears. The people that were coming and going are on their phones chartering, yet, I don’t know what they were saying as though their voices were drowned out; like a fuzzy photo-distorted if you will.

Mirror Image

I stand here in a dark hallway with only a silhouette casting shades of gray

yet, you believe it is he that stands there.

I sit here contemplating life’s goals, hands and facial expressions that further your suspicions.

At times, a nightmare producing cries of torture throughout the house only strengthens your convictions, as I ponder your suspicions.

The voice from beyond haunts my mind as a gentle tap taps my soul.

Are you here? I yell out.

Receiving no confirmation, hesitations of the still air waiting with anticipation to only hear silence and compliance of a reality come true.

Have I become you from the dark?

I walk to the black box upon the television, read the name that is mine.

I stand here and you encased in a box surrounded with flowers of love.

The final days and last photos with my Dad.

The photos are true in every form showing what Cancer will do to a person. I did not take these last few days well as you can imagine, he was my hero and mentor. You have been warned, photos are below.




Cancer, stomach cancer esophageal cancer,

Me and my Dad

38 thoughts on “July 1993

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  1. I’ve experienced the loss of a parent and I know that the pain is excruciating. The passage of time numbs this pain, but the lovely memories makes the pain come back now and again.

    Beautiful post Michael, I am sorry to hear of your loss, thank you for sharing.


  2. Any death is painful. But the cruel way that cancer literally dessiccates life before one’s eyes is beyond shocking. You capture your feelings with an overwhelming poignancy.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Thank you so much for posting your heartfelt story. It is beautifully written and I’m so sorry for your loss. Even after all these years, it is easy to see that you are still grieving. I hope your Dad and my Mom get to meet each other in heaven and dance a little dance.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I can absolutely relate to your story, Michael. When I was 19, (1999) I watched my mother pass away from her own battle with cancer. About an hour before she took her last breath, the air seemed to change. I can only describe it as a heaviness. It felt electric an weighted at the same time. It was almost as if, a dense comforter that was charged with static electricity was pressing in on my head. My father and I were alone in the house with my mother, and at the exact same moment we looked at each other and said, “It’s time”. Thank you so much for sharing your painful story. It’s so difficult to allow our minds to venture back to those awful moments but it’s good to know that there are some kindred spirits out there.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for sharing your story with me Kim. It is good to know that there are kindred spirits out there and you’re right it is difficult to allow the mind to wander the depth of the ocean that we try to suppress.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Thank you. A difficult part is reliving segments of those 5 weeks every day. It’s father and me now(he’s almost 92 and decent shape) and thought of going through it again is crushing. No nursing home as option. Sometimes I hope we die on the same day. But then there remain the children and grandchildren. It is a good post as we learn we are not alone in these experiences. I would have created a much different world.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Mother passed 3 years ago. One day she’s yelling at father in the grocery store to keep up, next day in hospital, massive cancer advanced throughout. She lasted 5 weeks. She must have had this for years. I was her home hospice nurse those last 5 weeks. That is a whole other story. I am glad the discovery and dying was so sudden for her without years of treatment and suffering.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Hi Michael,
    This is totally beautiful. I too live in California, the details which I see every day and always took for granted mesmerized me.
    I was held in suspense as you eerily had me wondering where you were going with this story. I predicted something would happen to your mom.
    My dad was also my mentor and my hero. My dad has been gone 20 years, but it still feels like yesterday.
    This was beautifully written. Thank you for letting me relive my memories of my father as you relived the memories of yours.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I’m so sorry for your loss. I completely understand. I lost my brother and only sibling. We were very close through a tough childhood and into our young adulthood. He was my older brother, hero, protector, and now guardian angel.

    The air passing through you like a chill. I know that feeling all to well. It’s not like any other and very distinguishable. That cold bone cooling feel and greeting that says I love you and am here watching over you. It comes quickly and out of nowhere and YOU JUST KNOW who it is lol. It’s like our souls are imprinted and like every person has a distinct “smell”, so does their soul a “unique touch” that you KNOW who it is, even in death.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you very much and very sorry to hear of your brother.That must have been tough to lose him so early in life.
      I’ve told a few before about the air passing through me and you so far are the only one that knows what I am referring to. About a week or two after my Dad passed, I was in my Dojo class and the same thing happened but only above my head this time. My Shidoshi at the time now Kyoshi Pat Haley noticed me freeze instantly during one of our exercises and asked if I was ok. That was the last time I felt that special wind.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. My brother died May 16, 2008, a day I will never forget unlike most dates lol. And to the day, I still feel him giving me a “breezy” hello. It’s not a regular breeze, it’s what i call a chill to the bone. Leaves the little hairs on my arms standing upright, along with goosebumps. And like a handprint, I KNOW it’s him. There are times I actually SENSE AND KNOW it’s him in the room beside me. I actually FEEL his presence with no doubt it’s him! Our loved ones are always around keeping an eye lol. They leave signs.

        Most importantly, when you are unconscious, they find it easier to visit you and say hello, OUR DREAMS. When you dream of them, they are actually invading your mind to say I love you and hello and I’m here.

        When we are young and “innocent”, we ate more capable of accepting, seeing and understanding spirits/souls, it’s as we get older that most people change.

        Liked by 2 people

  9. So sad but also very brave of you to show these extremely personal photos. Watching a loved one essentially disappear from their former self is heartbreaking whatever the cause. Your father will be at peace now and I hope it has also brought you some peace to be able to share.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I will admit this one was the toughest one to write. I debated back and forth if I should or not-but I did. While writing this I found myself taking breaks, my throat was choking up while biting my lips. I am glad you enjoyed reading it.

      Liked by 1 person

  10. Very poignant and beautiful. May your father be at Peace now after his struggles. Isn’t it something how in these difficult moments of life we remember the tiniest of details?


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